So July 3, 2007, Transformers came out. At some point I went to go see this movie with a friend of mine, and his girlfriend. I swear I thought they would end up getting married.

I ended up dating him. So now we are getting into that one year mark. Where things all happened a year ago. I am almost- not even- seventeen years old. This has consumed one seventeenth of my life.

Essentially I very recently figured out how fucking desperate this is and I don't know if knowing what type of person he is changes anything.

I dated Mike last August, starting within a week of his girlfriend of a year and a half dumping him. We lasted four months, though much of this time was spent with him in college up at App. I get dumped in December. Fast forward to May. I get dumped again by someone else. I start talking to Mike again almost immediately. Turns out hes coming back for the summer. We end up seeing each other twice before he moves to Charlotte, end up having sex. Which he allegedly hadn't done since we had dated.

I am nowhere near over him. I hate this. This has consumed a YEAR of my life and I am ready to not have to go through this anymore.

NORMAL? What does normal mean? It doesn't men average everyday, like preps versus goth kids or something. Normal in the case of human reaction.    It is not NORMAL to feel this strongly about someone you've seen twice in the last six months. It is not normal to say that the same person has held your heart for a year and you aren't capable of getting it back. It is not normal to be in this kind of situation. NORMAL? Normal people get over this sort of thing. Normal people are able to move on, eventually. Normal people do not take this long.

I know. I know. Hes told me. He doesn't want a relationship. If he did, he'd be looking for a 'gaming stoner'. Hes NEVER going to care about me again, if he even genuinely did in the first place.

This hurts more than I am letting on. This hurts more than anybody has any idea of.

It's the little stuff. He really liked my collage of women and alcohol. He smells like Axe and his personal body scent, and it's the best thing ever. Smelling him, wierdly, makes me feel safe and want to go to sleep. His eyelashes got tangled. We would talk all night, and I'd have to sneak back into my room. He picked me up on my lunch break and we went to his favorite mexican restaraunt. We watched X-files in his room at two in the morning and he got so excited about plot developments. He gained a little weight and is embaressed about it. He had long hair again. He...I have been consumed.

I told him when we were dating that I was giving him my heart, which was the cute ass sort of thing I actually did, and he said, 'well you know I won't give it back to you for a really long time.'

I want my heart back. What the hell is he doing over in Charlotte, throwing darts at it?

When Mike left my life, it's like he had occupied a series of rooms in my head, and before leaving locked each and every one. Hes there, and the memories are there, and if I ever feel like dismantling my brain to pick them out I think I'll be able to do it. But the doors to those rooms weren't just shut, they were locked. There isn't any connection anymore. After this I don't think anything will ever happen again.

Single. I'm not sad. I stopped feeling anything at all after the first night. Yes I can joke around like normal. ^_^.

If I don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't work. Despair? I'm probably more affected than I realized. I felt like a bitch for not really caring about him until I realized I didn't care about anything. I don't want to feel because it's gonna suck so bad. I need to stop giving boys my heart. Cause I know all they do is smash it. I guess I should have listened to everybody. But...he was such a wonderful man. Worth it. Definantely. And after looking at what hes doing to himself I want to be as healthy as possible.

Ha. He broke my heart. He didn't make me sad. I'm just literally broken. Heh....

There is a difference between wanting and needing and it isn't a line for me to define; I'm obviously biased.

Make no mistake- He is in the right for this. I understand completely. If he doesn't make a stupid decision things will get better in time.

All I know is that for the last month and a half I feel like the part of my brain associated with feeling is numbed. I feel more tired, gross, unhealthy/happy, lethargic, and stupid.

And when I am with him I feel like sparks are shooting out of my nerve endings. I feel sleepy and happy. I feel that I am no longer floating aimlessly through life. I feel like something is holding on to me. And when I am around him, 'something' usually is.

I realize how petty everything else is. All the high school drama and friendships that you have to work for is just something to pass the time. I don't, honestly, care about that many people. And I do care about that man. I just have to keep telling myself, less than six hundred days. There is margin for error till then anyway.

I'm dating the most amazing sweet and quirky guy.
His name is Mike. Hes over six feet tall, with black hair and eyes that look brown but have gray and green and hints of blue. His eyelashes are so long they get tangled. He loves me. He listens to nerdcore and random ninties music. He smokes too much pot. He thinks hes fat. He has killer lips and laughlines. He scorns my trick or treating. He lived in the same neighborhood as me and we didn't know it until he had graduated high school. He gets stressed out a lot and really angry sometimes. He is a pacifist libertarian who is an almost-vegetarian. He hates my racist mother. He gets me drunk and/or stoned but won't pressure me into it. He has a liiitle red car where we had sex the first time. He gave me a calculator for school even though he had been trying to sell it and I couldn't pay him...

Hes closest to my heart.